My first day of cognizance began in typical Monday style. I woke up late and in my morning sprint, forgot my ID cards, medication and lost my keys three times within an hour. Supplementing my much needed nourishment with a horrific fat saturated fast-food breakfast and sugar free red bull, I pushed the sound barrier the rest of the way to work. My hands shook from nicotine deprivation and caffeine over-load as I swung into the last available parking spot. I sighed in irritation and grabbed my cluttered bag of daily necessities. As I fumbled to keep the hurricane gusts of wind from tearing away my hat I stopped and stared across the parking lot. In, what might have been, an overly analytical or corny nostalgic moment, I stared at the most awkwardly placed rainbow and brought myself back to awareness. The skies were draped with low threatening clouds that turned the air grey. In the smallest corner of the nearest peak, a spot of light presented itself through the overcast as a stage for the ray of kaleidoscopic color that was so close it seemed tangible. I quickly snapped a photo of the prismatic presentation and contemplated the peculiarity of its location. It instantly queued my thoughts back into the direction of consciousness. Within minutes of sitting down with my grenade shaped coffee mug in hand, the frustrations of office antics seeped into my epidermis. Very aware of my instant aggravation, I kept the rainbow in mind while I Googled my way to an article that calmed my malicious thoughts towards the office. The main points of focus in Elizabeth Scott’s article Cognitive Restructuring for Stress Relief were these:
Awareness
Control
Cut Down On the ‘Shoulds’
Focus on the Positive
Stay In the Here and Now
Thrown back again to the Zen-like process of being present, I applied these concepts to my current moment of anguish and relaxed the white knuckle grip around the handle of my mug. I lost myself shortly in the procession of thoughts that invaded my concentration. The concept of self-awareness is nothing new to the world of philosophy. It makes me wonder when the first man was aware for the first time of his own existence. Was it looking up at the celestial wonders above and aligning himself or herself within the cosmic pecking order? Was it the first time man took tools to stone a created art? Possibly when our species stumbled over fire or the concept of the wheel? Personally I can clearly remember my strange childhood of day dreams that had me contemplating, at seven years old, the concept of eternity while on the swing in my backyard. I would close my eyes and wonder why I could feel movement when I could not see it. Why did it feel different when I closed my eyes and accelerated through space without sight than when my eyes were open? I had that very same feeling, in the pit of my stomach, when I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the end of eternity. Those thoughts only later progressed to the concepts of religion, god and physics. Awareness has never been a challenging concept but a very complex one as I later learned to connect awareness on both micro and macro levels of conceptual thought.
The idea of control is one I have always cherished. I am, what some may call, a control freak. So what if I hate surprises and can’t stand other people’s rules and idiotic authoritative attitudes? Does it really make me a control freak if I grew up refusing to organize my sock drawer (even though I secretly loved it to be organized) because my mother told me to? Or if I got in trouble during math class because I wanted to formulate the laws of mathematics to my own liking? Yes. Yes it does. Control is a double edge sword in the world of conscious thinking. Some people tend to not realize whether they have control or maybe they simply do not care. Either way they seem to be much more tolerant to everything than someone like me. One of my goals in these six weeks of change is to adjust my thoughts about control to balance my emotional responses to situations like this morning’s office procedures. Parallel to the concepts of control is the idea of “shoulds”. We have more choice in every day decisions than we sometimes realize. “The truth is”, Ms. Scott states, “We do things because we want to”. This is a small glimmer of light in my dark frustrations over control. Instead of knowing that I should have organized that sock drawer I could have saved myself many parental lectures and grief by realizing that I wanted to organize the sock drawer. The different feelings between the should and the want are night and day. I will figure out a way to apply this theme habitually through the next six weeks.
Focusing on the positive as well as the here and now is what I would like to implement into my daily routine as well. You can imagine that the seven year old child on a swing who engaged in notions of mortality and eternity might not have grown up to be the most optimistic in attitude. Connecting with the here and now might make it easier to wear the rosy shades. I have had my moments of enjoying the aerodynamic effects of sticking my hand out of the car window or savoring the bursting sensation in my chest when connecting with music or thinking of loved ones. Is it possible to make that feeling a constant one or is that along the same lines as wishing for world peace and the perfect body?
The room for improvement is great and the possibilities, limitless. I’m sure that within the next forty-two days that my attentions will branch out to more specific goals towards change. Tonight I will begin outlining the next six weeks and record whatever random thoughts I may or may not later be able to link to this process.
“It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal.” Helen Keller
I am HAPPIEST when…
insixweeks 